It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
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He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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