Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
