I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
