I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
