When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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