i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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