Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
