Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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