Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
