I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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