the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
