Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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