trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
