I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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