How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
