good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize