He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
