She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
