Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
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the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
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