You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
