that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
