There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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