Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
