Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
