I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
