omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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