i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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