too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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