I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
