I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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