What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
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