I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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