I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
