If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
