I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
