If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
