so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
