Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
