i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
