life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I would fuck him just for his dog
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
