Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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