Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
