You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
