she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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