remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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