lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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