We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
