my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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