Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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