Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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