I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
