Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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