Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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