I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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