I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
