I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
