This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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