I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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